On Bar and Bat Mitzvahs

By Cary Sperling

As is well-known, lavish bar and bat mitzvah celebrations have become the norm in the lives of many American Jews. One Long Island entertainer recently told me that a well-produced event ? complete with casino games, video productions, DJs, troupes of dancers, and musicians?may cost more than $100,000. Providing testimony are not only the 151,000 pages in Google that offer contacts for every significant aspect of this event, but also a recent article in the New York Times Book Review of ?Thirteen and A Day?, a book about bar and bat mitzvahs. My curiosity about this relatively modern phenomenon was aroused at a recent low-key bar mitzvah I attended during which I was apprised of the extravaganzas that characterize most others.

My attention is drawn to the meaning of this ceremony (and to whom it has meaning). According to Jewish law a 13-year old embarks on the next stage of his/her life at the bar mitzvah by taking responsibility for one?s actions in a mature way. But in our modern pop-culture, is this really what is being taught to our young people? Does a bar or bat mitzvah really confer responsibility upon Jews according to Jewish values and customs? Specifically, is the meaning of tzedakah, meaning justice and righteousness imparted?

Parents want to provide their darling 13 year olds with a most memorable moment?to give witness to their role in family and community. But we have to be honest by acknowledging the fact that families feel compelled to keep up with the bar and bat mitzvahs being held in their synagogue?for the sake of their child as well as their own status in the community.

It is important to stress that many 13-year olds do consider this event as the memorable and meaningful religious ceremony it is meant to be. Further, many parents do incorporate tzedakah into their planning. Unfortunately, the information I found on Google leads one to conclude that most place the party as the highest priority of the celebration.

But what does all of this mean? A recently released annual report stated that there are now 700,000 Israeli children living in poverty who go to bed hungry at night. This is an increase from 618,000 in 2003! Closer to home, there are 311,700 Jewish elderly, one-third of New York?s million Jews, who are poor or near poor. On an international scale poverty is well known to the children of Darfur and Niger.

Given this compelling information, why don?t our rabbis and community leaders take moral leadership by discouraging indulgence and extravagance during a celebration intended to affirm Jewish values to our young?

Let?s contemplate another aspect of this situation. I tried to determine how many bar and bat mitzvah celebrations occur each week in the United States. Searching the web I found that 100 bar and bat mitzvahs are held in the state of Florida every Saturday night. I called the headquarters of the various religious denominations to find out more–to no avail. What I did determine is that there are approximately 3727 synagogues in the United States. Let?s assume that at least 5 bar and bat mitzvahs are held per year at each synagogue (realizing that there are many, many more). That is 18,635 a year. Also, let?s assume that each event costs a minimum of $10,000 (again, a rather conservative estimate). That is $18,635,000. Imagine what could be done with five or even ten percent of this sum to help stem the tide of poverty both at home and abroad.

So for those who might need suggestions for lowering expenses (leaving money available for tzedakah) here are some very simple suggestions: simplify meals, serve a buffet and forego waiter service, eliminate tcatchkas and gifts.

When planning the next bar and bat mitzvah let us remember Tikkun Olam, the Jewish concept of repairing the world through social justice. This may be the most meaningful gift of all.                

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